


WPaRG Intermission: Conspiracy Buddies

by chelonianmobile, MultiFanGirlWickedPony, Writearoundchic



Series: WPaRG [14]
Category: Disney - All Media Types, DuckTales (Cartoon 2017), Gravity Falls, Invader Zim
Genre: Conspiracy Theories, Friendship, Gen, Implied Childhood Sexual Abuse, Implied Kidnapping, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-19
Updated: 2020-10-06
Packaged: 2021-03-02 23:41:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 2,305
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24275260
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chelonianmobile/pseuds/chelonianmobile, https://archiveofourown.org/users/MultiFanGirlWickedPony/pseuds/MultiFanGirlWickedPony, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Writearoundchic/pseuds/Writearoundchic
Summary: Dib and Dipper and Huey, and a kid's-eye view of Calisota's conspiracies.
Series: WPaRG [14]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1665667
Comments: 11
Kudos: 24





	1. Chapter 1

“Dipper? Hey, Dipper!”

Dipper recognised the boy calling him; Dilbert Membrane. Not in his class at school, but the same grade. Dilbert was hopping up and down near a shelf, trying to reach the top level.

“Little help here?”

“Oh! Let me get a chair…” Dipper quickly returned with one, knelt up on it, and examined the shelf. The contents, it seemed, were all about aliens, Bigfoot, and general bizarre happenings. “Which book were you looking for?”

“The biggest one. Thanks!” 

It was as thick around as a dictionary, or at least seemed like it. Dipper handed it down.

“What’re you reading it for? School?”

“No. Just for, you know… fun.”

“What’s it about?”

“Conspiracy theories.”

“Wait, like, aliens and the government doing weird stuff?”

Dilbert’s eyes lit up. “You know? No one else in our grade knows about 'em!”

“Yeah, my uncle’s into that! Well, both of them like weird stuff.” Dipper hopped down and started carrying the chair back. “I think it’s awesome!”

“You… you wanna read it with me?”

“You wanna? That’d be great, Dilbert! Thanks.”

“Uh, I like Dib better,” Dib corrected him.

Dipper nodded. “Dib ‘n’ Dipper! I like that.” At nine, he was still young enough to bluntly say “Wanna be friends?”

Dib nodded.

_It started that way._


	2. Chapter 2

Still nine. A few weeks later. Dib and Dipper sat in the school cafeteria and chattered back and forth.

“I’m telling you! He’s gotta be a vampire.”

“Don’t let my sister hear you say that. She’s all over that stuff.”

“Whatcha guys talking about?”

Another boy. Huey Duck with his earnest smile and red baseball cap.

Dib cut his eyes back and forth and beckoned him forward, lowering his voice and saying quietly, “ _Adam Sandler_.”

“We think he might be one of the living dead,” Dipper explained.

“Really?” Huey frowned, but it was a curious frown, not one of disapproval. He sat down beside them. “What kind of living dead?”

“Vampire.”

“I heard my uncle fought vampires one time,” Huey mused. “Then again I also heard that my mom is actually on a secret mission to the moon.”

Dib jumped on that. “How do you know she isn’t?”

“Never mind. So, Adam Sandler? Why is he a vampire?”

“He’s all pale and stuff-”

“Plus he has lifeless eyes.”

“Isn’t that kind of… mean? Should you be saying that?”

Dipper shrugged. “My Uncle Stan says that being mean doesn’t count if it’s towards celebrities.”

“That doesn’t sound right…”

“Yeah, well he might know better than us. He knows a lot of crazy stuff - that’s why the cops bother him all the time. ‘cause he knows more than they want him to.”

Huey pulled his notebook from one pocket. “Okay, we should examine the evidence. Remember they said that’s how experiments work, in science class? We can’t experiment on Adam Sandler ‘cause he’s not here, but if we write down all the reasons he could be a vampire, then all the reasons he might not be, we can find out if it’s true.” Carefully, he drew a line right down the centre of the page. “So, he’s pale and has weird eyes… Have you ever seen him eat?”

“Vampires can eat,” Dipper protested.

“No they can’t!”

The discussion continued until the bell rang. 

There were many others that followed after.


	3. Chapter 3

“So… do any of you think it’s weird how many people have been disappearing lately?”

“Isn’t that always kind of weird?”

Dipper shrugged. “Well… yeah, but it’s been happening a lot. I keep seeing it on the news.”

“Aliens,” Dib said. “Gotta be aliens.”

“Why them?”

“Well, who else would be snatching up so many people? What would they even wanna do with them?”

Dipper grabbed the nearest book on aliens and flicks through it. “… Stick stuff up their butts, according to this.”

“What? Lemme see that!” Huey and Dib fought over the book and stared suspiciously at the page. “Huh.”

“Guess aliens really want to take people’s temperatures? Mrs. Beakley yelled at Launchpad for doing it that way with a mouth thermometer one time and he said he’d heard that was the most accurate way.”

“Wouldn’t they only need to do that once?”

“Too small a sample size,” said Dipper.

“Why would they want our temperatures anyway?”

“I dunno. Ask the aliens.”

“Uh… no thanks.”

Huey looked closer at the book. “Apparently it’s called probing.”

“Weird.”

“Very.”

“Y’know, Francis said that’s how gay guys do it,” Dib said, nodding sagely. “ ‘Cept with their, well, you know.”

“What? That can’t be right!” 

“It is! That’s what he told me!”

“He also told the whole class that his sister had ticks.”

“That was in kindergarten. It doesn’t count!”

“Hey, Dipper?” Huey broke in. “Isn’t your uncle… you know?”

“Gay?”

“Yeah. Maybe you could ask him.”

“Don’t you have gay uncles too?”

“Well, they’re not exactly my uncles, and it’s kind of embarrassing to ask them after that time… never mind. I’ll ask them if you ask yours, okay?”

“Deal.” They fist-bumped to seal it.

Dib looked thoughtful. “Are the aliens gay?”

“Can’t be, they abduct girls too.”

“Oh yeah…”


	4. Chapter 4

“How come none of Mr. Candy’s kids look alike?”

“What do you mean how come? Aren’t they adopted?”

“Well… allegedly. What guy just goes and adopts fifteen different kids?”

“Maybe he can’t have any of his own…?”

“Or maybe he’s cloning them.”

“But you just said they don’t look alike. How can they be clones?”

“Well, not of the same person. Maybe he’s stealing blood or hair or something and experimenting with it…” Dib’s eyes were huge behind his glasses. “Wonder whose. Maybe just random people off the bus or something.”

Huey nodded thoughtfully. “He hasn’t done it in a while, then. The youngest ones aren’t much younger than us. Maybe he got worried he’d get caught?”

“Maybe they’re changelings, instead,” Dipper said. “You know, from old stories about fairies? Not the little pink sparkly ones my sister likes, I mean the creepy ones from centuries ago. They’d steal babies and put a fake baby in their place.”

“Who’d they replace, though?”

“Maybe he is a fairy and he’s making them to replace people! Or maybe he took them so the fairies couldn’t use ‘em.” 

“Huh… I guess that could make sense.” Dib nodded. “They do seem kinda… different.”

“Yeah!” Huey agreed. “They know all about weird grown-up stuff. I read that changelings were actually old or something and didn’t act like actual babies or kids.”

“Right. Maybe that’s why they know about all that, because they’re actually old.”

“What about Penelope though? She’s mostly normal. Minus the twitching thing.”

“Maybe she’s human,” Dipper conceded. “Might explain why the others don’t seem to like her.”

“My brother hangs out with some of them,” Huey said. “I could get him to ask them.”

“No, don’t just ask them outright!” said Dib. “That’ll let them know we’re onto them, don’t you know anything about this stuff? You’ve gotta investigate really carefully. Hey, Dipper, what do changelings do differently from people?”

“Um, they can’t touch iron. Fairies are allergic to iron.”

“See, that’s what you can do. Get him to bring something made of iron to a track meet or something, and see what they do…” 

“Wait, so you want him to set off a reaction? What if they, like, die?”

“Don’t actually use it on them, just… y’know, see. Maybe they’ll freak out.”

“I guess it’s worth a try…”

“Yeah! Do it!”

“And what if they _are_ fairies? What then?”

“We could always introduce them to my sister?” Dipper said.

“I thought you said they weren’t the kind she liked.”

“Eh, Tabitha’s pretty pink and sparkly, right?”


	5. Chapter 5

“How’s the high school?”

It had been a while since the three of them met up.

“Great!” Dipper was carrying a huge stack of books, multiple grades ahead of theirs. “It’s taking up a lot of time, though. Sorry I haven’t been around as much lately.” He looked sad. “Haven’t seen much of my sister, either.”

Huey nodded sympathetically. “I know I’d hate to be at a different school from my brothers. But it’s a good thing in general, right? You’re doing okay there? Met people there too?”

“Yeah!” Dipper blushed a little.

Dib recognised the look. “Including a girl?”

“What? No! … Yes.”

“Ooooohhhh.”

“Shut up…”

“What’s her name?”

“… Wendy Corduroy.”

“Oh hey!” Huey piped up. “I know her! Her dad’s that one lumberjack that lives in the woods, right?”

“Uh-huh. She’s pretty cool, but…”

“But what?”

“I think she’s dating a vampire.”

_It’s always vampires with him…_

“Why?”

“Well, he’s all pale and he dresses in black all the time. And he plays weird music about death and darkness and stuff all the time.”

“Doesn’t that just make him a teenager?”

“Not like the other teenagers… well, except for Gwen, but almost none of the others are that creepy or weird. Plus his parents live in the graveyard!”

“Why?”

“I dunno. I heard they were morticians, but if you ask me, that's just a coverup for what they _really_ are.”

“How do you know they’re vampires and not zombies? They could be zombies,” Huey said.

“Good point. I think he’s too smart to be a zombie, though. I have heard him say stuff other than ‘brains’. And all his body parts seem to be firmly attached. Though now you mention it he does kinda _smell_ like a zombie.” Dipper thought, hard. “He… now I think about it, he started to smell worse recently. I think he stopped showering, and he’s not talking that much or going out with the rest of the group. Wendy said he might be depressed.”

“There you go! Zombie,” Huey said. “He’s starting to decompose!”

“Yeah, but why now? He used to be kinda normal. I’ve seen his yearbook pics.”

“Maybe he died recently and then got brought back?”

“I guess that’d make sense… but how do you think he died? Wouldn’t that have been in the news?”

“Maybe his parents are like necromancers and they didn’t report anything because they didn’t want anyone to find out!”

Huey grabbed his phone and scrolled through for the calendar. “I’m free this Friday. Can you get your parents to agree to a camp-out in the graveyard?”


	6. Chapter 6

“I’m pretty sure my uncle’s boyfriend isn’t human.”

“The professor guy?”

“Yeah…” Dipper said, and tapped his fingers. “He’s creepy. I think he might be like a demon or something.”

Dib frowned. “What, like red with horns and a pitchfork?”

“I haven’t seen him with one. I was thinking more like the weird monster from another dimension kind of thing, like, what’s that author… Lovecraft. ‘Alien geometries’. He’s just too _weird_ to be real.”

Huey got out the notebook again. “In what ways?”

“Well, he looks funny. He’s only got one eye, he wears a lot of bright yellow, and he’s all… pointy. I’ll draw you a picture?” Huey carefully tore off one sheet of paper and handed it over, along with the pencil, and Dipper got down to doodling. The man he depicted had stick-like limbs, a pointed nose, sharply-defined triangular locks of hair, and even sharklike teeth.

“Okay, wow. That… that is pretty freaky.”

“Right?!”

“How often do you talk to this guy?”

“Never mind that,” Dib says. “Your uncle is dating him?”

“Yeah.”

“Like… they’ve had _sex_?!”

“Dib!”

“Sorry. Sorry, it’s just… he’s just so… creepy-looking.”

“… Yeah.”

“What’s he like?”

Dipper sucks in air through his teeth. “Good question. He doesn’t talk to us much. We’ve met a few times, sometimes he’s on his way out when we go to see Uncle Ford and sometimes he picks Uncle Ford up in the car. I think we only actually properly talked to him once or twice.”

“What was he like then?”

“Kinda creepy. He talks pretty fast and he laughs a lot, but the kind of jokes he makes are… mean. He'd say stuff that wasn’t really funny, then laugh, and start talking about something else. Maybe so we'd forget what he'd just said? Or one time he said something really weird, and then he pulled a coin out of Mabel’s ear before we could say anything.”

“Sabrina Spellman taught me how to do that.” Dib dug a quarter from his pocket and demonstrated on Huey.

“Yeah, I know it usually isn’t real magic, but with him I'm not sure.”

“Maybe he’s a warlock or something?”

“Maybe… but he does some other stuff too. Creepy stuff - well, creepier.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, he looks at me weird sometimes.”

“Weird how?”

“Like how… well, you remember Mr. Candy? How he looked at some of those kids?”

“What?!”

“I mean, he hasn’t _done_ anything, or even tried, but sometimes… I wonder.”

“Have you told your uncle?”

“I don’t wanna upset him. I mean, I know he loves me, but he loves _him_ too. And Bill - the guy - he hasn’t actually done anything, and Uncle Ford kinda knows I don’t like him, so I don’t think he’ll believe me.” Dipper nervously screwed up the drawing. “He’d just think I was trying to make Bill go away.”

“Okay, you have your phone, right?” Dib said. “Can you set your phone to record conversations? So next time you see him, if he does get weird, you’ll have it on tape.”

“That’s a pretty good idea, yeah,” Dipper said. “I just hope demons show up on tape, some creatures aren’t supposed to show up on film. Y'know, like the vampires and mirrors thing.”

“How long has your uncle been with this guy?” Huey asks.

“Something like ten years. Since he was in college, I think.”

“Oh… wow. That is tough.”

“Maybe we should just go and get some holy water,” Dib suggested. “Douse the guy. Problem solved.”

“Will that even work?” Huey asked. “I mean, Dipper’s not Christian.”

“It might.”

“What if it doesn’t?”


End file.
